I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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