every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
