you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
