Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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