Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
