Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
