mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
