I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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