It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
