So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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