cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize