Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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