dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
