Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
