I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize