I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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