Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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