True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
