You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
