Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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