That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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