I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
