I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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