It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Randomize
