I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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