I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
