I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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