The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
love makes seman taste better
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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