Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
