I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My feet surprised me
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