just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
