My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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