You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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