good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
try to milk me bitch
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