I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
