He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
