i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize