I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
