I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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