I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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