I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize