i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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