Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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