You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
