If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
