Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her vagine was all disorganized.
I smell stomach acid.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
