If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
