Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
