You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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