I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
