i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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