i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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