i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
