STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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