I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will pee on everything he values.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
