I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize